August, 2023
Have you ever felt like Jesus has ghosted you? Like there was a breakup, but you didn’t get the text message announcing it? I have. Everything was changing. The ground beneath me was shifting. Three huge components in my life had set me adrift. First, I wasn’t able to find work in my field of interest. Work was an important part of my identity. I opened my first bank account when I was thirteen with money from babysitting. All of a sudden, it was difficult finding a place to anchor myself with a newly earned Ph.D. Now who would I be? Who was I?
Second, I couldn’t find solace at church because it was in the midst of a split. My church had played a very important role in my spiritual growth and development. This church was where I learned to make the Bible come to life. When I needed something to help me through a challenging trial, I could always find a figure or event in scripture that mirrored my scenario. I applied it to my life to help me through. Now the infighting among church leaders had destabilized the environment enough for me to search for another church home. But I couldn’t find a place to call home.
Finally, my marriage was shaky. I never considered myself to be a woman who needed to be married, and now the fabric of the relationship was coming undone. The trouble was that I had not pulled the thread, which made this so unexpected, which meant more unrest showing up in my life.
But there was an even greater weight. That still, small voice that had been speaking to me since I was a child told me to stay in my marriage. Incredulous, and refusing to believe what I had heard, the divine directive repeated. I was broken. The same Spirit that had revealed reasons to leave was now telling me to stay. Sure, I could have left anyway, because I do have free will. But I’ll always remember the time the Holy Spirit whispered a clear instruction and I disobeyed. A few minutes later a drunk driver ran into my car and totaled it. I was the only one in my family to sustain injuries. If I was being told to stay in a difficult situation, obviously there was a reason. What I had not realized was that I was about to be tested like never before.
In the years that followed I was humbled by the lessons I was learning about myself. I didn’t fully grasp that at the time. I only knew that this was a very painful experience. Over time I understood that I was being called to be different. I had been on the path of least resistance that didn’t disrupt the status quo very much. The Holy Spirit who’s been speaking to me since I was a child, directed me to my doctoral dissertation topic. It was designed to link science and spirituality to heal organizational dysfunction. My research resulted in a conceptual model for leading in uncertain times is designed to upend typical leadership approaches. However, I had been sidetracked from living out my highest purpose. I had had a few divinely guided opportunities to do phenomenal organizational development work in the international sector. But I had grown frustrated because I hadn’t found an environment to launch my unique work. After repeatedly finding doors of opportunity closed, eventually my zeal became more muted. Now I showed up as only a fraction of my full self, fragmented by the disappointments.
How do I keep myself together and sane during a season of waiting? What does walking through this trial look like in real time? I needed to figure out how to move through this desert space. There was nothing around me or from any past experiences offering clues. When I am stuck, I shift from my habitual way of problem solving to a more contemplative process. In quiet reflection I try to recall Biblical examples of someone being in a similar situation to determine how he or she moved through it. Scriptures kept saying “have faith”, “hold onto my faith because God is working”, and faith would bring me through. Of course. I knew that, but I needed something less abstract and more substantial.
Another tactic I use is listening to a recorded sermon with a theme that resonates. After hunting and pecking through several YouTube sermons that didn’t fit, I found one that spoke on the last comments about Christ before He disappeared from the New Testament writings for almost two decades. Between the ages of twelve and thirty, the Bible is silent on Jesus’ life. My desert walk felt like I didn’t have much to report for years either. The very last words, in Luke 2:52 struck me profoundly.
“And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and with man.”
Those simple words gave me clarity on how I could move forward in my walk. It prompted me to take the focus off myself and what I wanted. Rather, because the tumultuous circumstances would not be changing, those words were encouraging me to examine what I needed to change in myself. I doubt that I would add anything from my physical stature, but the other three aspects provided a framework for my walk: grow in wisdom, grow in favor with God, and grow in favor with man.
A simple translation of growing in wisdom would be to put aside foolish ways. During my trial I became more aware of negative and dysfunctional behaviors that didn’t serve me well. The negative behaviors and habits that were being spotlighted had to go. As they were revealed, I did my internal work on overcoming my negative patterns. I became more conscious of spotting them when they rose up, figuring out the source, and moving away from that useless drain on my energy. Some were easier to release than others, but now I’m not triggered to move to those negative spaces as quickly as I once did, and I continually self-evaluate and work on having mastery over them.
As I grew in wisdom, growing in favor with God seemed to show up. My negative motivators didn’t drive my thoughts and actions as much. I was changing. My mindset shifted to positive possibilities. I chose to operate at a higher level of consciousness, which does not allow for reacting to destructive conversations because they also deplete energy. My preference for life-affirming conversations, partnerships and work increased even more. As my mind and heart were changing, I noticed how I was maturing in my concern for folks that I previously had given only moderate consideration.
As that part of me evolved, I discerned that others were viewing me with favor. My lens by which I viewed how I could engage with people widened without me actively trying. I brought more of myself to conversations; the parts that I had been keeping cloaked were revealed. Maybe I was showing up differently, or maybe it was being in a new setting with different people, but I was growing in favor with men and women. People gave me very high compliments when I had not put anything extra into the work. Some thanked me for helping them through dark moments when I had no idea they were dealing with adversity.
I must say that the walk through the desert was not a quick one. Transformations do not happen overnight. This was a quest. God chose this desert walk method to build character. In my humbling, I certainly had time to have more conversations with the Lord. Whatever worries I had, I continually spoke about, and to be honest, complained about.
However, after that crossing there has been a new energy and a restoration. I’m a member of another church now. It’s what I call a working church; one that reaches out and gives back to the community in a multitude of ways. Long ago I pledged to use my gifts for as long as I could, wherever I had an opportunity. I have an opportunity to use my gifts as a facilitator in their Small Groups Ministry, called Village, and I am having a blast.
I eventually heard a divine directive to end my marriage. It was done without any acrimony. My pruning during my desert walk allowed that spiritual growth to take place. Where is the wisdom in holding onto anger? A good, supportive friendship actually came from this.
And now I am on course to move into working in my higher purpose. Where doors had been closed, they are now opening. When I very rarely heard the still, small voice, now the whispers have been providing guidance and directions. I didn’t have advisors or mentors before, but now I am finding a number of people offering guidance.
It seems there are a lot of people at the edge of their deserts, or in the midst of a crossing. It is a desert. There is nothing in sight. It’s difficult to stay on course and know in which direction to walk. Understand that your compass is internal, at the spirit level, connected to our Creator. Ultimately, walking across your desert during your season of waiting is an assessment of your faith. Does your faith even exist, or must it be cultivated? Is it strong or is it weak? Whatever useless attributes you have when you enter at the edge of the desert will be cast aside along the way because you won’t need them. It’s the wisdom inside that will sustain you as you grow in your walk. “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4 NIV).
The scriptures are right. Walking out of my desert, I have made a commitment to consciously be different. I know and feel the power of being different. Those simple words from Luke about growing in wisdom and favor helped me find my way. Following that model made my crossing more a journey than a slog.
Keywords: Learning; Well-being